Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room. I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

Okay it's a silly email joke, but you laughed.

Mission accomplished.

Of course, I know my girls would never throw out the wine. Steal it, drink the last glass, hand me the bottle to uncork another, perhaps. Toss it? Not on your life!!


Saturday, October 25, 2008

iTunes had the answer

Okay, sort of.

I have my iTunes on All Artists and it's in shuffle mode.

So I get this really odd playlist of things. It'll go from Rob Thomas(pop/rock), to Keb Mo (blues), to Chris Botti (jazz), to Buckcherry (rock), to Keith Urban (Country)
and now as of last night and the free CD from Roadrunner Records, Slipknot, Machinehead, & Killswitch Engage to name a few.

I think music is the answer.

Okay it's my answer to most questions, but bear with me.

Music has changed drastically in the last 50 yrs

1958 ... "It's All in the Game" by Tommy Edwards was the #1 song in the country. One chart, it was simple.

Now every genre has it's own chart (even charts can't get along, we are doomed) but using the Billboard chart.

2008 ... "Womanizer" by Britney Spears is the #1 this week.

(Okay I like the song...don't tell)

But I'm losing my focus. The thing is. Music is a creative outlet. People use it to express themselves and that is the way it should.But there are so many people expressing their anger. So much of the music, let alone the lyrics, out today is angry. And it's not helping people who are already angry with their own stuff to hear all about someone else's issues. They aren't dealing with their own problems, they are compounding them by adding on someone else's.

Maybe I'm being a whiner.

But I'm really just tired of the constant low hum of the whole world around me growling about EVERYTHING. It's so hard to resist being one of them, the growlers.

My favorite song right now is By Buddy Guy off his new CD Skin Deep. It's the title track.

and Just Like You by Keb Mo'

I don't know. It's not about being sad. The blues isn't really about being sad, to me. The music and the lyrics just have more to say, or maybe it's something I feel I need to hear.

But then there are songs like this one

that are just plain good.



Sometimes I don't miss being in a family. (okay that's a lie)

But I really don't miss all the bullshit that comes when people forget how to get along. The real world really gets in the way. I hope. I really hope that it's the stress of living in this hectic world that makes people snap off on each other and forget that they love each other.

People walk around in this perpetual state of being half cocked, and everyone has a hair trigger. It isn't just road rage anymore. It's everywhere. The anger and annoyance never abates. It just simmers just below the surface. And everyone's barriers are getting thinner and thinner.

It's really a pain in the, everything that matters, that people don't seem to say anything nice to each other anymore. Thank you is almost harder to come by than "please". We're all so freakin' self reliant that we forget that God put us on the planet in numbers greater than one, to be helpmates to one another. He put us here to be companions. To walk hand in hand (literally and figuratively) through this life together.

No one holds hands anymore. (literally or figuratively)

Except this one couple I see through my window at work everyday.

They walk the length of the shopping center. They hold hands as they walk.

They celebrated their 52nd wedding anniversary last Thursday. They give me hope. The always have a smile for us, trapped in our little work aquarium. They give me hope. That somewhere, someday, I'll have someone to hold my hand and walk with.

I'm okay with the downtime right now. When things mess up, it's okay to start over. Sometimes we have to start over with a completely different person.

I spent a couple of years in my marriage not fighting. But that doesn't mean it was healthy. We didnt' say anything. Well nothing that matters. And by the time we did say things that mattered, it was too late. I don't care what experts say, there is such a things as it being too late to "fix things" in a relationship. There is a point when you avoid and neglect something, and it withers and dies. Forget to water a flower garden, and keep it out of the sun and rain, and it will not thrive. It can't. And neither can people. We need the sunshine (the love and approval of those that matter to us) we need the rain. We have to let go of the things that stress us out. God gave us people in our lives, if we're lucky, who we can vent to; friends, Family, paid professionals when all else fails. We need to use them, but we have to remember not to abuse them. The rain has to be countered by the sunshine or things start to rot. It can't be all bad times.

I refuse to let it all be bad times.

But how do you help people who don't have a clue they need help? How do you help people who don't see the problem, and aren't looking for a better way? If you try, you're just part of their problem.


Last little thought. Anyone who spouts off about fighting so they can make up is lying. People rarely make up these days. They stop talking/yelling and act civil but even if there is make up sex involved. It's still all there waiting to come up in a few hours or days when the fight is off and running again. It just builds. It ebbs and flows but we never get back to zero. It's two steps forward and only one back. We never get back to happy it seems.

Jaded? Me? Not so

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I could survive for 51 seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor

Created by Bunk

I had to! I saw this on another blog and it just sort of clicked itself.


And a very odd way to start the morning. Or maybe it's an offshoot of having the cat on my all day yesterday. I finally asked Hercules at 1 am, "Is it me? Do I seem needy today?" It was sweet at 3pm to lay down and watch TV and have the kitty snuggle. But at 11pm when I was trying to write, and the cat was sprawled across my chest with one little thumb-claw flexing against my jugular, I wasn't quite so amused.

I did finish the scene I was writing, and about 2 am, Hercules of the Spread Myself Very Wide Clan decided to move his nap over to the folded clean laundry. (which was brought to me by a very adorable 4 year old who looked terrified the he was gonna drop it. I'm fairly sure that if my lap hadn't already been occupied territory, he would have put it there.)

Back to the writing....

I really enjoyed it last night. And I feel ashamed to admit it. I was anti-social. I holed up with the cat in the front room, with my headphones on. The odd thing is thatsome how some kids think that we can magically hear them with headphones on, when they know darn well that they can't hear us when they have theirs in. Or maybe, just maybe, they are faking it and assume that we are too? Hmm? I may have just cracked a section of the Teenage Rosetta Stone!!)

I also feel guilty because the scene I wrote was horrible. I mean that it was a scene after a funeral. There were tears (apparently from a reader, and I'm flattered) and it was emotional. You know how you feel after a good cry, all drained and limp? Yeah that! I felt that way when I shut off the computer and I didn't even have to cry. Which is a good thing because, it would have annoyed the cat! I wrote the last half of the scene, with his head on my wrist, his pay on the little pointing device pad on the laptop. (that made life fun. And yes it can be paw activated.)

So I've been told this morning, (Hello Tricia!!) that I have to get my butt back to writing. I left it off, with the next view indicated, and I'm evidently a huge slacker because I'm writing this instead. The whip has been cracked! I'm off today, so that means I have no excuse.

Tricia, Karen, Pam.... I'm heading back to the grindstone...promise....


Thursday, October 16, 2008

People...and what I love about them.

Working with the public, it only takes one bad customer to make us say, "Have I told you how much I hate people?" I don't really hate people. I and truly annoyed by stupid, ignorant, overbearing, nasty... you get it.

So I want to focus on what I love about people.

I pray that the day never comes when I forget to appreciate....

**My girls calling me when they are bored. I never tire of the silly pointless calls. "Whatcha doin?" And I promise to try not to be annoyed when they come one right after the other, or 5 in a 30 min timespan. ;0)

**My girls hugging me hard when we say goodbye. I never want us to be too busy or too caught up in our own crap to forget to love each other madly and completely, the way I love them.

**I stop cherishing the small comments in conversation (real and IM) and email from friends that aren't meant to suck up, but still warm your heart in the best way. There are people how love you, and like you, and care about you and while they don't have to say those words, they tell you everyday. They call, they check on you when they know it's not going so well, and they send you silly jokes and pictures to make you smile. In short they remember you exist and some days, it's nice to be reminded.

**I love the way babies smile. Babies and puppies are always so excited to see you. Unconditional love is so rare these days, or maybe we're just too bogged down with everyday stuff to recognize innocent joy when we see it. And their laughter is a drug. I can't get enough

**Random acts of kindness. Everyone is so busy. Hold a door for someone. Ask how they are and actually listen. Learn people's first names and use them. Connect ya'll, it only hurts the first time, I promise. And it gets easier. If you haven't seen the movie Pay It Forward, that's your homework this weekend.

There will be a quiz

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Playing nice.

This isn't a rebuttal of my last posting.

This is about making the effort and moving on. Or more precisely, it's a question about moving on. Do I have to make nice, play nice? I make an effort not to be nasty, but I really don't want to be friendly with my ex right now. Am I the only one who thinks I shouldn't have to? My kids are over 18. I just don't want to admit that it makes me entirely too sad to spend time around the man. I don't hate him. I don't want to hate him, which amazes some people. I care what happens to him, but I don't love him like a husband anymore.

I do miss the life I used to have. I miss the belonging and the being part of a family unit, and I would love to find that again. (minus the stretch marks and labor part) I would love to have someone to come home to. Someone who is happy to see me at the end of his day. But back to the other issue.

It breaks my heart to spend time in what used to be my home. To see the things that used to be mine. I can't breathe. It's not about accepting or letting go for the most part. This is more about memories that won't let go of me.

Technically, I can have anything out of the house I want.

What I want most I can't have.

I want to have a place where I feel comfortable. I want a place to call my own. I don't have to own it in a financial sense, but I need it emotionally to be mine. I think that's why they say that "you can't go home again." It's not that Home changed so much. It's that your psyche redefined what home should be or feel like or offer you when you move out on your own and make a life separate from your parents. Their home will always be that nostalgic place where you turn when you need a safe place to go. A place to regroup and get back on your feet. Is this why women always run home to Mother when they have issues? Probably, but I think it's more that Mom kissed away every boo-boo when we were small, and it's just not fair that real life steals away the magic from her kiss.

I could use one right now.

I am resisting with all my might the urge to run home, and "reboot" so to speak. I don't want to be that person. I want to be stronger than that. I know that most of me is. But the part that isn't is really having a hard time getting up in the morning. Figuratively at least. The truth of it is I'm keeping as busy as my body can handle, to avoid thinking about it. Who knew that sheer exhaustion would be such a balm for a wounded soul?

I'm not as pathetic as that sounded. I'm still me. I hope. I have faith in the friends I hold dear in my heart, that they would tell me if I wasn't. While they are being sweet enough to excuse the bitchy, whiny moments, and to let me try and find my own way, they really would kick me back towards the track if I got too off course.

Sadly it took a complete upheaval of my life, for that to become crystal clear to me.

Does Freedom of Speech apply?

This is a quick article about something that is all over the news, and just about everyone's lips today here in Hampton Roads, Virginia. (A metropolitan area made up of the Cities of Norfolk, Portsmouth, Chesapeake, Virginia Beach, and Newport News.)
We are home to Langley Air Force Base, and the largest Naval Installation on the continent. (If it's not, it sure seems like it from all the uniforms and ships we see.)

Virginia upholds ban on political clothing at polling places

October 14, 2008 - 2:09pm

Darci Marchese, WTOP Radio

WASHINGTON - When you go to the polls in some parts of the region - watch what you wear.

If you live and vote in Virginia, you are not allowed to wear any politically themed clothing, like buttons or T-shirts, to the polls. The rule, according to Valerie Jones of the Virginia State Board of Elections, is that there can be no campaigning within 40 feet of a polling place entrance, including from people going to the polls to vote.

The American Civil Liberties Union argued that political clothing is protected under the First Amendment, but the Board of Elections voted Tuesday to uphold the ban, saying the wanted to keep polling places as neutral as possible.

The same ban applies to polling places in D.C. If someone is to show up with politically themed clothing on, the voter will be asked to either remove or cover up the item.

In Maryland, voters are welcome to wear clothing or buttons, but the same cannot be said for poll workers, election judges, or others stationed inside a polling place.

(Copyright 2008 by WTOP. All rights reserved.)

Yes I just infriged something, but only a little. I gave them credit for everything...And it was a nicely written synopsis of the problem.

Virginia is often called the "Mother of Presidents." Our great state was the birthplace of 8 U.S. Presidents. Williamsburg was pivotal in much of the early governmnent of our young nation. Jamestown is where it all started in 1607.
But I think that more importantly, eight of the men who signed the Declaration of Independence were Virginians. These eight of the fifty-six men put their necks on the chopping block, did so to effect change; real change, not media hype and euphemisms.

I have none of the faith my forefathers had going into their era of change. They were prepared to fight and die to achieve it. While I would gladly do the same, I don't think that either candidate is giving me a cause to believe in. Sadly, I will still be required to sacrifice for either of the to achieve their goals.

But why should I have to sacrifice my freedom to voice my opinion? If people are going to riot at the polls over a tshirt, what are they prepared to do if the "wrong" candidate gets elected? And if this isn't a violation of our freedom of speech, it may well be a breach of something we hold more dear;our unalienable Rights. We have the right to pursue happiness. If a t-shirt or button or banner can open the eyes of one that is blind, they should be exposed to it. I say this without naming my side in this election.

Poll workers should be neutral. They are working, even if in a volunteer status, and the dress should be uniform. Would allowing people to wear items supporting their candidate hinder the process? Or could it possibly motivate others to vote? The masses are followers, all they need is an example to follow.

Sadly, their penchant for doing the wrong thing to easily, leads us to this point. Our "voices" stifled.

They may be able to prevent me from wearing my political cross on my chest at the polling place, but the rest of my day still belongs to me.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I want to smack Marc Broussard.

Okay... first let me introduce you to Marc Broussard. You can listen to some stuff there.

I love him actually. I have all the CD's.

But the latest CD, KEEP COMING BACK messed me up.

I put the CD in the car as normal, and I called Tricia to see if she needed anything from the store, so I turned down the volume. I look up a little while, okay half way home (it's me and Tricia..duh!) and the CD player says it's on TRACK 60 of an 11 track CD. My heart stopped. How am I ever gonna get an apartment if things on the car start breaking. (and while someone might argue that the CD player is not an essential part of the vehicle, have you met me? Seriously!)

So I turn up the volume, momentarily forgetting to pay attention the conversation with Tricia. (sorry babe) Whew! it's a hidden track. Nice, lovely. My heart starts beating again. Then I start the song over and listen. It's called Evangeline Rose.

I'm gonna post the lyrics here, and really I'm not trying to infringe on any copyright. I want ya'll to fall for the music too!

Evangeline Rose

(Verse 1)
Good evening, Evangeline Rose
My you're looking beautiful, In your ribbons and bows.
Been missing you, out here on the road,
So many things to say to you, Things you should know
But honestly these words I speak
Said on the phone when I'm long gone
Just don't say what I need you to hear
Don't worry if my words aren't clear
When I hang up this phone
I'm comin' home
(Verse 2)
Good evening, Evangeline Rose
My how the days pass so fast, my how you've grown
And I'm wondering, how long you've known
That you give me all the reason and the rhyme
With a simple hello
But when I'm gone, one day's too long
I miss so much, I can't touch
The moments, the laughter, the pain
There's so much I can't explain
Right here right now on the phone
I'm comin' home
And these tires on the road they hum a melody so sweet
And they whisper words that only you would say
And though they take me from the only place I ever felt complete
My dear, they always take me home
(Verse 3)
Good evening, Evangeline Rose
My you're looking beautiful, in your ribbons and bows
As you take my arm, I smile and you know
That I can give your hand away today
But I'll never let you go
And honestly, I cannot speak
My little girl, my whole world
Time stood still, for a while
Watch you walking down the aisle
My sweet Evangeline Rose
It's good to be home


My kids aren't little anymore, but I miss coming home to them. I miss being woke up in the morning by them not so much. LOL.

I miss the way that Ashley didn't seem to be able to watch TV unless I was her backrest or pillow. I miss having Carissa's smile greet me, but she's been out on her own for a little longer. Ashley's the one I left home when I moved out. I feel like I abandoned her, even if she is 18 and all grown up now.

Something is missing and Marc Broussard's song did just a little bit of putting it to words. Sigh....

I love a verse from one of the other tracks on the CD too.

From the song Evil Things.

The evil things that I've done
Wash away in the warmth of your sun
The broken man that you see
Is not me, no, just a shadow where I used to be

Okay.. I really look forward to being able to say that to someone.


okay i'm all done being introspective and mildly depressed.

True Blood is on..and I can't be bummed listening to Jace Everett

I mean ...he wants to do bad

Where do you sign up for that job??


Being a fly on the wall...

I'm very blessed to have friends willing to let me crash with them while I find the superglue and put all my pieces together again. I didn't fall off the wall like Humpty Dumpty, but I did finally run into a dead end and all the stuff I'd been keeping a few steps ahead of finally caught up and crashed into me. It was one helluva mess. I'd be lost completely without the handfull of friends who have really shown me the meaning of friend over the past few months...

It's sort of nice staying wiht Tricia and Chuck. Besides the fact that Tricia cooks and loves to fold, someone is always moderately happy to see me when I come in. (even if it's the dog, waiting for me to beat her for chewing up something else moderately valuable.) And Tricia and I do get to see each other more this way. It's nice to talk face to face on the mornings I'm home and all the kids but one are gone. I've been adopted by one of the cats. It's nice to almost belong somewhere again. I miss being part of a family. I can't thank them enough for letting me ride on the coattails of theirs.

being an adult in a house not your own is odd. I try very hard to stay out of the normal family drama. But it's getting hard. I'm used to being Tricia's sounding board. It's my job. It's in the best bud contract we signed in blood so many years ago. I'd show you, but then I'd have to kill you. Some things truly are sacred still. ;-)

But now... other people are coming to me. This appeals to my caregiver, fix-it nature. Once a mom, always a mom, I suppose. I don't, and won't, offer advice until it's asked for. that's not my job. But it's okay to quielty try to play peacemaker when things get hairy and snarky right?

Someone please say "Yes, of course" or I'll explode.

The one thing I can say is that family is family is family. No matter how it is made up (step kids, step dads, moms, half siblings, dads, brothers, sisters, pets, ) Two people or twenty, or eight (;-)) through the fights, the growls, the bad moods, and all the drama. Love is there to keep it all together. Sometimes it's only one person who remembers it's there, but that's the power of Love. A little goes a long way...

and a lot does amazing things...

I miss it in ways that words cannot begin to explain

Lazy days...

Today day feels like a lazy day...

But it's not.

I got up, cleaned up and I do have to work tonight. I was supposed to be off, but I got a call a few minutes ago. (this is karma for ditching my shifts yesterday and I'm content with paying the piper) If I had two full days off, something bizarre would happen; it might hail frogs or something biblical, seriously.

I don't feel motivated to do much of anything.

I have a book I could be reading.

I have various work related things that I probably should be doing.

I can't seem to get motivated enough to change out of the Scooby Doo PJ bottoms I have on. Comfy counts for a lot.

So I have the iTunes on (CD: People Gonna Talk Artist: James Hunter) and I've updated my profile, commented on some blogs, and read some email. I'm bored again.

Maybe it's not so much a Lazy Day, as an Attention Deficit day?

I should make a list (ah be still my little Virgo Heart), and that way at least as I bounce from task to task, I'll get something accomplished. (I mean I logged online a couple of hours ago to 1. read Tricia's blogs, 2. catch up on the Delbert McClinton forum.

I haven't gone to Delbert's site yet.

Maybe I need more coffee? (less is not an option)

The mood is probably left over from yesterday.

Dominic turned three, and we went to his part at Chuck E Cheese. Ashley didn't make it because she was at work, but it felt odd to have us there as a group, but to not be a group like we used to be. The being friends thing is gonna be a long time coming I think. Warm and Fuzzy is a distant glow on the horizon. I don't feel anything. I'm not angry and I've run out of sad. But I don't like the empty feeling.

I am just scared I'm going to end up finding something not so great to fill the space. I'm not looking for frivolous or quick and easy, or quick and complicated. But from the very outside looking in, quick and complicated would probably be very easy to fall into.


Off to read and post on Delbert's site...or at least read and find out all about all the stuff I'm missing.