Sigh....

Yeah I do that a lot lately.

I'm tired. I'm tired inside and even a good night's sleep didn't help.

I thought it might.

I have looked forward to coming to the Tater Jam. (It's a Delbert thing..and it's a grand party!) I have looked forward to going this year since checking out of the hotel from last year's party. There are friends that we only get to see at the Jam.
People come from California and Texas and New York. It all focuses down on the little town of Kinston, NC.

In a year full of rotten things, I was looking for a little fun.

So far, it's not happening.

Two (four if you count spouses) of the people I really wanted to share this year with aren't here.

Am I going to put on the happy face and have a great time? On the outside I will. On the outside I always do. I'm kinda tired of being "happy" only on the outside. Is it my fault? Probably. I've gotten so good at faking it, I'm not sure I know how not to. I don't even think I know what it feels like. And why should anyone try to fix it, I don't let them know there's a problem. I have learned to camouflage the me that lives in my head and my heart. I spent so many years hiding that me so that she couldn't be hurt, that she has becomes this scared little mouse, and won't come out to play.

I'm tired of pretending to be this happy person that everyone likes to be around. It takes a lot to be funny, and act like nothing gets to you. Especially when you don't want to laugh, and everything does get to you. I'm tired of being jealous of people who have someone special.

I know I'll never find someone until I fix me, though. I have no right to even look. Not right now. But it does make it hard to even want to fix anything, when it feels like you could disappear and no one would notice. I don't think I would notice.

The only joy I seem to have these days is when a certain angel faced 10 month old smiles at me. To her I exist, and when it feels like I don't in any other way, she snuggles up to me and I feel a little better.

I feel really bad for being the person that I am right now. I need to change a lot of things. But it's scary. I have never had to make decisions for myself. I did a great job of hiding and letting someone else make the decisions. I just feel like I'm standing in place and spinning around in circles and I don't do well on rides.

The time has come though. I've had this year to be down and all the bad stuff has got to be behind me. It has to be, because The Nothing (yeah I love The Never Ending Story) is winning. And the new year is coming. Maybe my new year's day, is today?!

Why not?!

M